Rebecca Writes:

I kind of agree with Marla; I think that now that I am over 30, "Girls" is more desirable than, say, 10 years ago, however, I don't like, and have never liked being referred to as "Guys."Why is it that in a mixed group, or worse yet, in a group of all women, must someone always say, "hey guys?" How many groups of guys have been hanging around together and someone addresses the crowd as, "hey ladies!" Okay, someone BESIDES the high school coach.It is probably an innocuous term to most, but it has always been a peeve of mine!

Thanks,

Rebecca R.

My Response:

Dear Rebecca,

Thanks for your comment. The problem with our society is that it is so old. We have a long standing history of degradation of women, where women, for the most part, have not been viewed as people, much less as equal human beings. That talk was ludicrous a century or two ago and all before it. Even in the church women were made to sit in a special place so as not to tempt men- as if it were their fault for men's wondering eyes.

To be honest with you I really didn't understand the big issue with calling women "girls" until a buddy of mine explained it to me. This is where men can have some good influence on other men- you can hear woman after woman go on about how she isn't a girl and how she should be called a woman. But when a buddy of yours looks you in the eye and asks you if you honestly think that the women, even of this day, didn't work harder to get where they are than you did to get where you are. For a man, who still holds the reigns by the way, to say to a woman, "Girl," is a bit degrading. Certainly, I am not talking of lover-speak or any of the fun nickname types of things that lovers do. I am speaking of men who refuse to refer to a mature female as a woman.

Honestly, it takes some thought and if you have not noticed men tend not to like to default to the thinking route too often. Turn the tables and they will most certainly understand. And that is really, I think, the goal of life, to be able to take a step in someone else's shoes and understand that while they are different than you- you are fundamentally the same and thus what hurts one person must hurt everyone.

Men, women, everyone says, "See you later guys" in reference to men and women. Often I like to try to say, "See y'all later" or "good bye peeps" or something trendy like that to avoid saying guys. However I, with the majority of the people who say it, were programed to refer to a group of people as "guys." This subconscious training isn't as detrimental, though I imagine it could be, as for a man to say to a woman, even with the best intention, "girl."

Ultimately, it comes down to communication. We have a wonderful and terrible power that comes with speaking, we can either build up or tear down, often there are few in betweens. We need to be sensitive to others, lest they be insensitive to us.

Perhaps since this is the online version and more than one person might read this, I should apologize for the people who have mistakenly and accidentally made you, and any woman, feel inferior and speak to you inauthentically. But alas, I can only speak for myself. However, I do want to encourage you to offer grace where grace was not spared for you. One of the reasons I am so intrigued by the feminine and all things feminine is that she has endured so much and deep down she is good, she might get bitchy from time to time, but in the end you'd want to be with no one else.

And so, in conclusion, the reference of that men do to women as "girls" or groups of people as "guys" are fundamentally from the same cause, and that is a cultural desensitivity to the special feelings of minority people. Rome was not built in a day and true love is not found in a half an hour... so it might take some time. But encourage people when they get it right and continue not to be afraid of speaking your mind. Men are not that smart, they need to be told when they do something wrong.

Thanks so much.

Yours,

Adam